Sadness in the world tonight ...

I am saddened tonight as the fire burns in Gatlinburg, TN. I cannot even imagine all that has been burned there. Thankful the downtown area and the aquarium have been spared. I can only imagine the devastation there. This will do damage that will reach years into the future. Homes, pets, lives, money, economy ... all affected irreversibly. It makes me thankful for the little I do have. It isn't much, but I have it, for now, anyway.

I'm also thinking of that entire soccer team that is no more tonight. They were so close to landing. They were on their way to a championship game of a lifetime. So many people gone, in the blink of an eye. I pray for the fans and especially the families. What a tragedy.

These events cause me to reflect on my minimal knowledge of the Bible and signs of the times. More and more of what has been prophesied is coming to pass. Every day I wonder what the day will bring. I'm struggling to live my life as He commanded. I'm going to do everything I can to see my Timmy again. All I can do is all I can do.

Hugging those who will let me. Letting my loved ones I care. Sharing the Gospel whenever I can. Giving my life for His glory. God bless you all.

Late again

Mandi lost her job. This is the worst time for that to happen. We as adults know Christmas isn't about gifts but kids don't get it. Right now, all adults in this house are struggling to just keep our heads above the water. I'm not asking for anything for myself or the rude grown kids in this house, but if anyone can send an age appropriate gift for a boy (4) and a girl (10) I would be forever grateful. Otherwise, these kids may not get anything this year it's breaking my heart. Tried to get in on Toys for Tots. It's too late to sign up and they have all kinds of hoops to go through. That is the late again reference.

It's that time of the year ...

... that I have come to dread. The time from Thanksgiving through the end of the year was always Tim's favorite time of the year. I never minded it so much because he enjoyed it for both of us. Now, it just reminds me of all of my failures. I'm going to lose my car any day now. I can't afford the payments. How I'll get to work or what I'm going to do, I just don't know. I'm totally broke. I'm barely able to buy groceries every month. I do get a little bit of Link and that helps but it's definitely not enough. Now that I'm no longer eating with the rest of the people in this house, there are days I do not eat dinner or I do not eat dinner at all. It is all very disheartening. I make do with what I have. I will not be buying anyone gifts this Christmas. While that has nothing to do with my meaning of Christmas, it's hard for the grandchildren to understand, especially the younger ones. It is all making me sad. If I had my way, there would be no lights, no tree, but the kids are getting ready to assemble a fake tree. They already stapled lights everywhere in their living room. Once again I just want to go to sleep and sleep through the new year. Nothing in my life is even close to being fair!

Respect

I get that these are minor things to some but damn! I'm irritated.

I was asked to load the dishwasher this morning. You knew you were cooking a holiday meal for over a week. Why did you not do the dishes yesterday? But, being the person I am, I bit my tongue and loaded the dishwasher. In fact, neither of them could have fit everything in. They have no clue how to successfully load a dishwasher to the maximum.

So, then I've been gone day to alleviate my stress and tension in the house. I come home to find my three good paring knives sticking down the garbage disposal. Hello! I've had those knives for two years, they are still sharp, because I take care of them. If you can't wash them up and put them back, then don't touch them. They are mine! They were expensive.

I also notice the beaters to my mixer are in the sink. I cleaned up those same beaters plus two more sets (never did figure out why he used all three-a whisk, an egg beater, wide beaters) last night after you made pie batter, used my mixer, and did not put it away. It is a hand mixer. It has a plastic case it sits in that holds the beaters and power cord when not in use. You left it strung out everywhere last night. So, I get home and the beaters are dirty in the sink, the mixer is tossed in a cabinet, and the handy case is no where to be found. I eventually found it shoved in a drawer! What the hell!??! I got that mixer for a wedding gift thirty-one years ago. Again, there is a reason it looks new and still works after all of this time!

I am so tired of the disrespect and utter lack of regard for me and my things. If I use something of theirs, I clean it and put it back EXACTLY how and where I found it. I mean damn. If it isn't yours, either do the same or don't touch my shit!

Side notes...I find it hysterical that they bought, cooked, and transported the follow food--12 lb turkey, mashed potatoes, candied yams, green bean casserole, stuffing, and pumpkin pies--to his sister's house and there is not a scrap of food anywhere. You would never know these kids cooked dinner here at all. And I'm wondering what in the hell his sister contributed to the meal? It's just funny to me that there are no leftovers.

I had an awesome day, though. Going to my nephew's was totally the right thing to do. He smoked two turkeys. My sister, my nieces, and I all contributed to the meal. It was awesome. We had, in addition to the turkey, mashed potatoes, gravy, corn casserole, broccoli cauliflower salad, cheese ball and crackers, celery, dinner rolls, pumpkin pie, apple pie, and cookie dough dip with graham crackers. We HAD leftovers! LOL I chose not to bring any home, thinking there would be some here. Joke's on me, I guess. After dinner, we played Cards Against Humanity. It was a total blast! We laughed and had such a good time.

I missed spending the day with my own little family. I'm not even gonna lie about it. I missed cooking the meal. I missed the parade. I missed watching football. I missed all the grandkids loving on me. But this time of year has become so dysfunctional for Mandi, Crys, and I that I know I did the right thing, removing myself from it all. Right now, as much as it hurts to say it, I'm planning to do the same thing come Christmas. I don't know what I'll do, yet, but I will not be here.

Lord, please help Bryan and I find a place and get moved. I'm ready for total peace.

Day by day

I called to check on Gobi today. They said he was really scared the first couple days. He is adjusting, goes for walks outside, and is eating and drinking. He seems to be responding to a couple of the caregivers. He will get a medical evaluation tomorrow and a behavior evaluation after that. Then, he will be considered for adoption. I pray he gets a great new home with someone who will love him and keep him the rest of his life. Poor baby.

I'm making it through the days. I'm not happy. I spend all of my time by myself. I'm sick of reading. I'm tired of watching tv. I'm tired of being alone, in a house full of people, ignored and treated like I don't matter, like I don't exist. It makes me so sad. I've tried to find things to get involved in but nothing has grabbed me so far. I just want out. Out of this house, out of this situation. Out!

Looking back, and yes I know I should be looking forward, I wish I could go back to about six years ago. We lived in an apartment I liked. Tim was alive and managing. We had our grandson Alex living with us. We were not rich but we were not struggling. I liked my job. I felt like I made a difference. Yes, if I could, I'd go back to that time.

Anyway, I hope to find somewhere to move soon. I think I'd feel better if that was locked in. I would have something to look forward to. For now, I will focus on getting through the week. Going to see my sister (forgot which night, LOL) and try to relax this weekend. Next week I'll be going to my nephew's for Thanksgiving. The world doesn't stop because I'm struggling.

Uneventful Day

Today has been quiet. Work was busy. Afterward, I went to vote. Been home all evening, pretty much on my own. I'm okay with it. I'm really feeling kind of tired and I'm nauseous. I think I'll finish watching Chopped, check out the election results so far, and head to bed about 9:00. Tomorrow afternoon I say goodbye to Gobi. He has been a faithful friend. I can't help but feel that I am letting him down. I hope he finds a good home and doesn't end up being put down. That will break my heart. I'm going to choose to believe someone will adore him and give him one more chance. This is my hope and prayer.

What's sad is why I'm not even surprised.

I went out of my way to make sure they would be here for dinner. I cooked dinner, burning my palm with hot oil in the process. They barely ate. And not a single thank you was spoken. I'll include them as I cook the rest of this week and then they are on their own. I'm going to take care of me and they can go to Hell. I sit here, in my little room, crying. They don't care. I did not raise her like this. Our relationship is in tatters and I'm beginning to think it's too far gone to even begin to repair. I just have to take care of me and try not to let their behavior bother me. It's so hard, though.

Monday, Monday

 Its been a day! One of my former students went home from the hospital. He is autistic and on Halloween he got away from his mom. Ended up in a body of water. When he was pulled out, he was not breathing. Bystanders started CPR and were able to revive him. He was sedated and on a ventilator for a few days. Seems he's made a good recovery and is now back home. Praise the Lord!

A current student, also autistic, was quite a handful today. We were down one staff member so the day was challenging. By the end of the day we were all pretty tired.

Home to the same treatment I've been subjected to for about a week now. I'm not spoken to unless I ask a question that requires an answer, like are you going to be here for dinner. LOL They do no consult with me but I refuse to stoop to their level. I'm making smothered porkchops, rice, and dinner rolls. Yes, I'm cooking enough for them, too. If they eat, fine. If not, guess what's for lunch tomorrow?

Bryan has called about a couple houses. I'm praying we find something soon and I'm out of here before Thanksgiving. I'm going to do my best to live my life and stay out of the drama between now and then. At least Brody loves me! I'm so blessed to have him. Storing up what I can in case she really does mean her promise of me never seeing him again when we split. It is what it is.

Planning an early night of it. I'm kind of tired tonight.